Sunday, September 28, 2008
Crack is whacked
Low rise jeans should be banned forever. Not only for mothers but for women of every age, every race, every body type, everywhere in the world. I've championed this cause even before I thought about getting pregnant. Women have been showing the ugliest part of our "tush" for almost a decade now (I exaggerate to prove my point) and that has to stop. I don't care how hot you are, showing your crack is whacked.
I have thrown money at the problem. I've been to Jean shops in NYC and Chicago where the denim experts were trained to solve my jeans problems. They would always bring me the least low rise pair of the bunch. I would sit on a chair in the dressing room (litmus test for the jeans) and my crack would stare right back at me.
The last straw happened a couple of weeks ago, at my friend Lisa's birthday party. I sat down on the floor to change Amelia's diaper. By the way, changing an eleven month old baby's diaper is like trying to subdue an unruly inmate high on cocaine. (I've seen it on TV) She throws her body all over the place and takes off crawling with her bare butt exposed. She has no problem showing crack yet. Changing trays at public bathrooms have become dangerous. But I digress...
So there I am in my least low rise pair, with the obligatory long top to cover up and even so, Lisa's eleven year old cousin had to discretely tell me "you might want to pull your shirt down." Lord knows how long the party goers were getting a nice look at the ugliest part of my lower back.
My husband had rushed into action a week before to cover me up at a coworker's party as I knelt down to pick up the baby. Enough is enough!
So I went to GAP and tried on their mid rise Classic and Essential jeans. High rise seems to be a curse word in the fashion world. Natural waist is a term only to be found on the L.L. Bean or Land's End catalogs. So I tried the Gap pairs and looked at my butt in the mirror. There it was the very matronly, shapeless, scary Mommy Jean. If you don't know what they are, look some clips up on you tube. I learned about the term on an Saturday Night Live skit.
I asked a sales associate and he came through for me.
Me: "Do these look like Mommy Jeans"
Him: "Yes, a little."
Say no more. So I've ordered an expensive pair on line that actually say High Rise. Let's hope they are truly for all "Mankind" as the label suggests. In the meantime, if you have any suggestions or if you've found a solution of your own, help a sister out. My butt and I and probably my embarrassed little girl will thank you. Ay Mama!