Sunday, May 3, 2009
I have such a guilt trip this evening. It was after I told a tiny group of people I don't know that I hated the first three months of motherhood. Yes, if you've read this blog before you know that it hasn't been the first time I've said that. Yes, there is some truth to that and when I was in the thick of those three months, I was hating life. But after 19 months, I have to think of a better word than hate. I don't hate anything related to Amelia. I look back at those three months and they were the hardest ever, but those months brought us to this moment and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
With technology the way it is I know Amelia will one day read what I have written and I want her to know that my feelings those first three months had nothing to do with her, but with my inability to let go of control and just adjust to change. She is, as I tell her every night, my biggest treasure. And even when I felt really sick after giving birth, smelling the top of her head would overwhelm me with a feeling of love I can't describe. She still has that smell and I hope she has it forever. Ay Mama!