Sunday, May 3, 2009

Weird, right?

I have such a guilt trip this evening. It was after I told a tiny group of people I don't know that I hated the first three months of motherhood. Yes, if you've read this blog before you know that it hasn't been the first time I've said that. Yes, there is some truth to that and when I was in the thick of those three months, I was hating life. But after 19 months, I have to think of a better word than hate. I don't hate anything related to Amelia. I look back at those three months and they were the hardest ever, but those months brought us to this moment and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

With technology the way it is I know Amelia will one day read what I have written and I want her to know that my feelings those first three months had nothing to do with her, but with my inability to let go of control and just adjust to change. She is, as I tell her every night, my biggest treasure. And even when I felt really sick after giving birth, smelling the top of her head would overwhelm me with a feeling of love I can't describe. She still has that smell and I hope she has it forever. Ay Mama!


Stefanie F. said...

I understand exactly what you are saying regarding the 1st three months with a new baby. I guess our daughters won't understand it until they become moms. The women who give you a look when you say you disliked those months are the ones who had a ton of help and were able to accept it. The difference with me, & I think you, is being type A you still feel the need to do everything!

Jose Luis said...

"Making a decision to have a child--it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body".
on Mothers Day by: Elizabeth Stone

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.
She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.
Inspirational Quotes on Mothers Day by: Rajneesh

Ana Belaval said...

Thank you for those kind words. Stefanie, I appreciate the support so much. I needed the help and hated being so needy when I was supposed to be a Mom to my child ASAP.

Jose Luis,
I loved those quotes. I'll have to print them and put them up in the house as a constant reminder.